Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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