my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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