She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
