I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
