opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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