hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
