He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
