walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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