walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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