i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
