my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
