Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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