I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
