i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
