I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
