Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
