U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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