I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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