brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
