My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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