Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
sex in a hospital.. check
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
