Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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