hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
