I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
