I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
