This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
