I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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