because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
