If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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