Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm sobbing to NWA
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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