Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
