How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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