Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
