And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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