xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
