You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize