i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
They took my balls.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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