dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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