dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize