I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You should frame my arrest warrant.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
