OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
