Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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