Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
