I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
