My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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