You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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