Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
