dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
