tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
