Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
