Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
