I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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