I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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