Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
