why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
