How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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