I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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