my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
