I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
