Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
