Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize