last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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