So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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